Eurovision. Again. Again.

And so we’re here at long last, the Eurovision 2008 final.  Let’s all keep our fingers crossed that this one has some sort of spectacle involved because quite frankly this has been the worst competition I’ve ever had the chance to view.  Seriously, there’s a lot of ground to make up here, folks.  Let’s get to it.

Intro with Marija- I actually have no idea what she’s singing, even though I know it’s in English.  Maybe the lingerie-clad women sporting thigh-highs and doing the robot behind her have some significant meaning, but I doubt it.

Romania – Vlad’s looking very intense this evening.  I think he’s popped an extra button too, just to get the women-who-enjoy-seriously-hair-chests vote. Hey!  Nico changed her outfit.  Now she’s rocking like Mrs. Brady  at the family holiday party.  And yet this one is still a snoozer.

United Kingdom – Let me ask you Andy, “Even If” you win, what are you hoping to get out of it?

Albania – This still sucks.  And now the Lite-Brite design isn’t even that interesting.

Germany – It’s like this song has no idea if it wants to be a ballad or dance.  Kind of like these women don’t know if they’re wearing wedding dresses or mini-skirts.  I think we all know one thing though: they could use a few singing lessons.

Armenia – I think I’m going to leave this one with Larry’s comment: “Whoa, she’s hot.  Is she Russian?”  Indeed she is Lar, indeed she is.

B & H – You know what I like better than this madness unfolding on stage?  That Marty keeps reporting that the guy lists “typing” as one of his favourite things.  I wish I knew what they were saying.  It might bring together the washing/knitting scene a little bit better.  Or even explain the snazzy apple skirt.

Israel – Dana International wrote this?!  Actually, I kind of like this singer.  He looks so earnest and he’s clearly giving it socks.  Not to mention he has very pretty eyes.  Hmm, a definite front-runner.

Finland – This one might mean more to me if it didn’t seem like a bunch of half-dressed men were angrily screaming gibberish at the crowd.  Even their fireballs seem angry tonight.

Croatia – It’s a good thing the old guy’s got a seat.  And a cane.  That little minx should stop sticking her leg in the air behind him though, he’s going to strain himself looking over his shoulder like that.

Poland – It seems Isis only packed one shiny pageant dress.  A pageant dress that kind of makes her look like a mermaid.  Maybe she thought she was auditioning for Baywatch?  I was actually going to say that the girl can sing, but that whimpering at the end kind of killed it for me.

Iceland – I didn’t notice how much shimmying was involved in this act last time.  That alone makes it a big no.

Turkey – Next!

Portugal – Remember in Love Actually when Colin Firth goes to Portugal to win back his housekeeper and he finds her larger sister first?  I think that sister is singing right now.  This is boring.  No wonder the camera is trying out every experimental angle possible.

Latvia – That woman in the corset is so into being a pirate that it’s almost frightening.  Ooh, she’s tossed her hat aside.  It’s getting in the way of her pirate-ing, obviously. 

Sweden – I’m so scared for this woman.  With all that plastic it would only take one rogue fireball for things to go terribly, terribly wrong.  Then she’d really need a hero.

Denmark – My favourite newsboy is back.  Marty says he’s going to be a police officer soon.  Isn’t he all grown up?!  Actually, this one might be my bet to win.

Georgia – All I’m gonna say is that peace might come even more quickly if everyone stopped dressing like science fiction villains.  And mental hospital inmates.

Ukraine – It’s like watching a Maxim photoshoot.  Laurence was certainly paying attention.

France – Gotta love a man with a golf cart.  And a beach ball.  Should we really count whispering into a microphone as performing though?

Azerbaijan – I would like to thank the people of Azerbaijan for sending this delightful nugget of OTT goodness to Eurovision this year.  It restores my faith in the general talent pool of Europe and other somewhat adjacent areas.

Greece – This girl annoys me.  And not just because every time she whips her head around she has to fix her hair.  Apparently she once opened for Jessica Simpson.  She should go back to that.

Spain – He’s got a kiddy guitar!  Eww, and a grey beard.  I feel like this should be going somewhere but it’s not.  I agree with the crowd.  Boo.

Serbia – Snoozer.  If I wanted classy I’d go to the National Concert Hall.

Russia – Dima, I do believe.  I believe this needs to end soon.

Norway – Despite a questionable song and some dodgy dance moves, I think this woman is gorgeous.  I love her dress and jewellery.  She really should have skipped Eurovision.

Ok, I’m afraid I can’t hang in there for the results.  I’ll cast mine and be done with it.  However, I have to go on the record here:  this has been the most disappointing Eurovision I’ve ever seen.  I can only hope next year gets back to awe-inspiring spectacles of deranged creativity.